That Old House

I had the strangest dream. I found myself walking down the hallway of my childhood home. It seemed so real. I walked around the corner and I could see the furniture placed exactly where it always was. It seemed so real. I touched the sofa and I could actualy feel it and I knew in my mind that it must be a dream. The furniture was still there because that’s how my mind remembers it, but it was also dirty, like no one had been there for a long time.

I found a piece of paper that had my mom’s handwriting on it and I picked it up and I said “I know that I’m dreaming but I wish I could take this out of my dream with me and keep it forever.”

The home was sold and moved off our property man years ago, so it seemed very odd to dream about it so vividly.

The dream stayed with me the next day as my husband and I loaded the car and got ready to go back to my hometown where my family lives . My oldest son and his wife were having a baby and this day was going to be the gender reveal. The party was going to be at my son’s house but at the last minute they moved it to a house outside of town where I’ve never been.

The first thing I noticed when we arrived, was an old abandoned house out there on the same property. I was drawn to that house and I said to my husband that kind of looks like my old house that I lived in when we were dating the first time. After closer inspection, I could see where a door had been cut into the side wall. Then I knew that was out house I don’t think he completely believed it and neither did my son, but he said “let’s find out.”

So we did and yes, it was my childhood home and they actually let me walk through it.

It was very overwhelming, especially after dreaming of doing this exact thing. My mind opened up to so many memories. I so vividly remember that shy little girl who grew up there and I could literally feel my parents presence in that house.
We even found where I wrote my husband’s name on my bedroom wall…..over 30 years before we got married.

I always seem to dream about things before they happen, I seem to know things through my dreams. I believe it’s a spiritual gift, but I’m just not quite mature enough in my journey to figure out what the gift is and what its purpose is in my life.

That little girl has since moved away to begin a new life with her new husband, the boy whose name was written on the wall.

A Time for Healing

I have recently discovered something kind of amazing about myself. We have never been able to figure out exactly what is wrong with me, but for some reason I don’t have memories like other people seem to have memories. I thought it was normal for years, but then I started to realize more and more that it’s not normal. My friends would talk about things they did as children and they would discuss it in great detail. I would always be amazed that they could remember such things  until I realized that most everyone can do that. Everyone but me.

I have very few memories of my childhood and as I said it didn’t bother me for years because I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal. Unfortunately I’ve gone through a lot in my life and so the doctors said that it was partially psychological from my PTSD and probably also because of the number of concussions that I have had in my life.

I guess it didn’t really bother me too much, until after my parents passed. I knew that we had so many good memories but I just couldn’t remember them. I prayed a lot about that because I needed that and that’s when I started to have dreams about my parents.

My dreams are so vivid. I had one last night, in fact, and I was sitting on my front porch and I watched daddy pulling the gate in his truck, with his dozer on the back. I could hear it. It was so real.

I must admit, at first, I was a little scared. “Am I dying?” I asked God in prayer. But that wasn’t it. Over time, having more and more dreams, I finally realized that  these were not just dreams. They were memories. 

God told me a couple of years ago that it is time for healing. That’s what’s happening. I’m healing from all the horrible things that have happened in my life, therefore my memories are coming back. It is like all of these wonderful memories have been locked away, and I finally found the key to unlock it. The key was Jesus.  I found Him, and I found myself. Finally, I am healing!

“Heal me O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.” Jeremiah 17:14

” But he was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed.” Isaiah 5:35

” The Lord sustains them on their sickbed and restores them from their bed of illness.” Psalm 41:3

God Remains My Strength

It’s not easy getting older. I mean some days I look in the mirror and feel that I am having a good day and I see the love of the Lord in my eyes. On those days, I can look past the wrinkles and the weight gain and just see the love of the Lord shining through and that makes me very happy.

Then there are other days that Satan gets a hold of me and I look in that mirror and just get depressed. I think to myself, “who is that old lady looking at me?” My body feels old and my body looks old, but in my mind I am still young. I think that’s what people don’t understand until they get there.

Honestly I wouldn’t go back to my youth for anything, because when I was young. I strayed away from the Lord. 

I have the Lord back in my life.

I have my family back in my life. I have a good life and I wouldn’t trade that for anyting.

I saw a meme on Facebook recently and it said something to the effect that as you get older that check engine light of yours just stays on. And I am now seeing that in my daily life. I have some medical procedures coming up soon. I also have fibromyalgia and that pain has progressively gotten worse. These are things that make me feel even older than I am. 

Those days when Satan tries to get ahold of me, whispering in my ear, telling me how ugly or fat or old I am, I will rise up and say, “I have the the love of the Lord within me and I am a daughter of the king. It doesn’t matter what I look like physically or what anyone thinks I look like. Physicality is relevant only on Earth. In heaven, it’s all about spirit and isn’t that the goal for all of us….to get to heaven? Thats when we really begin to live.

Anything that Satan can do to strip us of our confidence is a victory for him. We must start fighting him with the Word of God. That is our shield and our protection. If you keep filling your mind with God’s Word, there will be no room left for satan to intervene. 

Prayer and daily bible reading will give us the confidence that we need to fight. 

“Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” James 4:7

My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever. Psalms 73:26

Take My Hand, Daddy

For my dad

Take my hand daddy, I’m just a little girl, I’m kinda scared of this great big world.

Take my hand daddy, they’re making me start school, what if I get in trouble and can’t follow the rules. 

Take my hand daddy, it’s my wedding day, you have to walk me down the aisle and give me away.

Take my hand daddy, it’s my turn to take care of you, my very best for you is what I will do.

Take my hand daddy, I’m not ready for you to leave, but now I know that you will be here watching over me.

Gina Barton Sewell

Changing Your Focus

Lord, I have so many things to be thankful for, so many more than I ever imagined and I don’t even know where to begin. I thank you first and foremost for your son Jesus Christ. I thank you for saving me from a life of drugs, alcohol and abuse. I’m thankful for the relationships that you have restored between me and my children. My family is everything to me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for my kids and my grandkids. I’m thankful for my husband even though we went through a rough spot at one point, you brought us through it and better than ever. We were apart for thirty years and you still brought us back to each other. 

 I’m thankful for my gift of writing and for the fact that you allow me to write for your glory. I’m thankful that I have a job, and a nice place to live because there was a time I had no place to live at all….. I was homeless. I’m thankful for my car that gets me back and forth to work as well as to see my kids. Because there was several years that I didn’t even have a car and I had to walk everywhere with my fibromyalgia.

 Oh Lord, I’m thankful for so many things and sometimes I get sad or depressed, as well as lonely, because I miss the people I’ve lost, but even so, I must remember the blessings. Nothing is perfect in life and not everything Is beautiful, but even in the worst of circumstances, there are always blessings to be found, if we can bring ourselves to search for them. Thank you Lord Jesus for everything that you have done. In Jesus name……

When I start to feel down or sad or even angry thinking about those days I realize where I am now. And that’s not something I could have done on my own… it’s something that you did for me and my family, because of your grace.

A few years ago, I could not see blessings in anything, because I was so angry and so very depressed. But you know what? The blessings were there. I just couldn’t see them because I was so focused on the negative. 

I remember a time that if, even the smallest thing went wrong, I would just fall to pieces. But when I began to focus on Him and the blessings that he was giving me and the love that he was showing me, I found my joy and my peace.

Change your focus and I guarantee, life will begin to change.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Gina Barton Sewell

Heaven Is Not That Far

I wrote this poem for my dad a few months after he passed. I’d like to share it with you.

I went to the cemetery to visit your grave
I bawled like a baby, so much for being brave.
I know that you’re in heaven, of that I have no doubt
But heaven seems so far away, far beyond the clouds.
Even though some may not know because of the times we didn’t speak
But I remember growing up how proud you were of me.
You took me everywhere and bragged about your little girl
You would have done anything for me, anything in the world.
I know that you’re still with me, you still have my hand
You’re guiding me through, helping me to understand.
Sometimes a faint whisper I can hear in the breeze
Sometimes the sun just seems brighter when it’s shining on me.
Sometimes just a feeling deep within my heart
Are all signs telling me heaven really isn’t that far.

Gina Barton Sewell

Prayer

Thank you God for your many blessings. If anyone has gone down the wrong road and made mistakes too numerous to count, that would be me. I turned my back on you and went in my own direction, quite effectively destroying my life. I ended up with no one, but You, Lord, were still there.
Even though I turned away…..even though I did all the things that I always said I’d never do, You were still there. When I was at the end of my rope and didn’t even want to live anymore and I needed help so desperately, I turned to You and You were there.

You set my feet upon a rock and you gave me my life back now I’m living dreams that I had given up on years ago. That’s all you Lord, I did nothing to deserve these things but you’ve given them to me anyway. All you ask is that we love you and obey your teachings.Thank you from the very bottom of my heart Lord. I love you so very much. In Jesus precious name, Amen

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you your heart’s desires.” Psalm 37:4

Family is Everything

My husband and I were able to take a short weekend trip to see the kids and grandkids. We had so much fun. It was really hard moving away from my family and it doesn’t get any easier. I get so excited when we go there and I’m very happy, but it also kind of leaves me with mixed emotions. Knowing that my parents and my best friend are gone…..its really difficult seeing the places that I have so many memories of them.

 I recently gave my home that I own there to my son. He actually lived there with my dad so that was like his home. They’re totally remodeling it and I’m so excited for them. But at the same time it’s really hard because I remember when Daddy bought that place. I remember Mom and I helping Daddy do the work on it to turn it into an office. We lived next door when I was growing up, but that house is long gone now. But still I was raised on that property.  My daddy’s shop is back there and that’s where I can go to feel him with me and it’s not mine anymore. But I am happy to know that my grandchildren will be raised on that same property and I know that my daddy is looking down from heaven and he’s very happy about it as well.

I’m so proud of all of my sons. There’s not a day that goes by, that I don’t thank the Lord above for my wonderful family. 

“I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all of my heart,

I will tell of all your good deeds. ” Psalm 9:1

Nothing but Faith

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A coworker had just put in his notice and when another coworker asked why he was leaving, he said that he felt God was ready to take him elsewhere in his life. She asked, what are you going to do for a job,?” He simply replied, “I’m praying about it.”

She was very puzzled by his attitude. “Why would he leave the safety and security of a job he had worked for years with no plans for the immediate future….nothing really to fall back on?” Quite frankly, I think she thought he was crazy.

Later, she was telling a large group of us the story and laughing at his expense, while she told it.

Everyone laughed and made jokes. Being young in my life with Jesus, I laughed too. 

As we all walked away from our little circle, I felt immediate conviction. “Why did I laugh? That’s not honoring God. That’s not showing people the new me or much more importantly, showing them Jesus through me.

As days went on, my mind kept going back to that day. I felt so disappointed in myself. That could have been used as a moment to speak up for God. That was an opportunity to potentially help someone and I blew it.

I wondered how I could laugh, when that was exactly what I did. I didn’t quit my job as he had because I wasn’t working at the time, but I left my home, my marriage, everything that I knew with no place to go. Nothing to rely on but my faith in God, which, actually, is everything. My life has completely changed for the better since the day and it all began with a prayer. Just like my coworker,  I had felt it was time for a change and I prayed about it. 

I don’t like that I laughed about it that day. But I did try to make up for it later. I began to stand up in my faith and be bolder concerning my relationship with God. I began letting everyone know that I loved Jesus and even told my story to those who wanted to hear it. 

That is what we are called to do….. To be a light in the darkness for those who are searching. We are to be the hands and feet of God.I will never again be ashamed of my faith for the Lord is my savior and my strength.

Heal My Heart, Lord

When I am hurting and my heart is broken

I always tend to run away,

No matter the gesture or words spoken

Nothing can make me want to stay.

The sadness in my heart intensifies

As I try to continue the facade,

But I know that none of this

Is what’s expected of a woman of God.

I lift my hands, I surrender it al Lord, I am bringing you my heart,

Please, Lord, I am asking you to heal it,

Every single, shattered part.

True strength comes from the Lord

Of this we can be sure,

We know His grace is sufficient

And that His love for us is pure.

So Lord take away this sadness

And all the pain I feel inside,

And replace it with peace, love, and joy

As all your commands I abide.

As I place my faith firmly in You

I feel my strength reforming

Because I know sorrow lasts for a night

But joy comes in the morning.

Written by Gina Barton Sewell 

Originally published in Agape Review